The River Facing the Sea
October 10, 1950,
Thalassa pleas nostalgically:
"Here I am, where you are to run!
"This, each of my rivers has done!"
But if to her the river goes,
if to her fresh water flows,
what will become, what will be left?
of a river complicit in its own theft?
The sea is not the river's home;
never to be aqua seafoam.
She will snap and chew, tear and spit,
dying the waters, a sunrise lit.
It moans, beckons, Thalassa calls:
"Here you can sleep, Passaic falls!
"Here you will grow, bearing my seeds."
But the river arrives, and bleeds.
Fresh to brackish and this to salt
a man scoops, drinks, and from it balks.
Turning and looking toward the town
he sees the falls in a white gown.
The Passaic runs, moves but stays,
the Passaic running, moving but staying,
the Passaic ran, moved but stayed,
the Passaic runs, moves, and stays.
gbs 9-26-06
5 comments:
wow, i like the last two stanzas of this one a ton - and you're right about the nice way the first line (spoken) feeds into the rhyme. i'm also a big fan of "but the river arrive, and bleeds," which is an amazing image. Also: props for the "falls: gown" image - i'll rob that before this is all done, i'm absolutely sure. if there's a line that needs fixing (and i think that's it - one line), its the "dome" rhyme - it could just be dr. rivers's residual influence, but i thought "kubla khan" immediately and then i dry heaved into the waste basket. i don't know if a better rhyme for "home" exists, but i'll think on it and get back to you - it might be better to shake up the first line and get "sea" out there as the rhyme - everything rhymes with "sea."
nice work, conversely.
So, I changed the Kubla Khan allusion, and switched it to a more contemporary allusion. And maybe it's less cheesy, but maybe not. I just couldn't resist it when I thought of that rhyme for "home."
I'm still troubled by the line that ends in "theft." It may be the worst line ever written. In history.
this is much better, i say - 'seafoam' seems a bit forced still, but much closer to being ironed out. i like the other subtle changes - and the 'and bleeds' is still killer. ending still works very well. as for stanza two, what about this minor revision:
what will become, what will be left,
of a river complicit in its own theft?
not a big difference, but i think the extra syllables both de-emphasize the rhyme and flesh out the idea of the line. your thoughts?
You're right about the theft line, and I fiddled with the seafoam. Still not sure it's doing it...
The sea is not the river's home;
never to be aqua seafoam.
She will snap and chew, tear and spit,
dying the waters, a sunrise lit.
In this stanza (since you are analyzing it) She refers to sea, right? So "she" is dying the waters, but, in reality wouldn't it be the river that is the dying agent. I'm remembering the look of the Delaware Bay where the river and the ocean meet. Strong line of color demarcation. But it seems like the river brings the color (and muddy hues) to the sea.
I like that you assigned yourself the rhyming task. Will you try a sonnet?
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